Amazing Products You Didn’t Know You Needed

Long before Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan came into our living rooms, peddling the latest “as seen on TV” wonders and Vince was just some person with partial facial paralysis and not the ShamWow/SlapChop/Hooker Punching pitchman, we’ve all had a small love affair with “all-things-infomerical.”  From the Chia-Pet (now in OBAMA heads) to the Life Alert necklace that made us all feel safer knowing that when our grandparents had fallen and couldn’t get up, someone was on the other end of their necklace, charging $39.95 a month just to answer when Gramp’s button was pushed.  But did you know about the little wonders that have slipped through the cracks? Items that are so special, so amazing, so supremely advanced that most of us didn’t even know we needed them at all. No? Well hold on to your butts kiddies, and let me enlighten you and the rest of the world by expanding your useless knowledge of all things order-by-phone. Their sole purpose being to capitalize on our obsession with consuming items we really don’t need just because it has a pretty package and a pitch man on coke peddling it. So without further ado….Ladies & Gents, I give you just a few of my favorite “Dont Delay, Call NOW!” items from the last decade. (Shipping and handling not included)
THE CUCHINI
Ahhh yes, just one of the MANY joys of being a female……being caught with the infamous CAMEL TOE! (also known as the deer hoof & moose knuckle, but the toe of a Camel is the most common vernacular) But have no fear ladies! You too can ensure that you’re NEVER EVER caught by the CToe police again. For just $16.95 you can sport your leggings, jeggings, sweatpants and more without everyone seeing your “cooter cleavage” thanks to the miraculous CUCHINI!!  (I guess the idea of not going ‘commando’  when getting dressed or maybe even just not pulling your pantelones sky high causing them to “separate your divide”, let alone give your bra a run for it’s money, never crossed anyone’s mind.)
They even have a section for you to send this little number to a female in need, anonymously. Too bad for these gals, this option wasn’t available sooner.
BUT WAIT!!! There’s more!!!! The “Camel Toe” isnt just limited to land lovers….oh no mateys! It be creepin up on the sea dwellers as well, creating yet another line of products aimed to assist you in “covering the taco”. A’HOY!!!
Sex2Sea – “Pretty enough for the Bedroom but made for the Water.
I have to admit this is clever. Very clever, in fact, as we ALL have had this problem at least once in our lives and probably haven’t purchased or at least worn a white bikini since we were 10 because of it.  I support the movement and would possibly even buy one of these ‘hoo-haa’ protecting swimmy suits except for the fact that they all look more like “Pretty enough for the Bedroom but made for the Pole.
Apparently the unsightly Camel Toe has become an epidemic – so much so that there’s Camel Toe Cops to put us on blast for showing our lack of “bush for the cush” and a music video. Top 10 Hit, fo sho.  
BLESSINGWAY’S ACCOUTREMENT 
I am ALL FOR the recognition and support of the miracle of life and the women who make it possible. I’m also all about the connection between mother and child and how that bond is something to be very proud of. But to put the experience into a VERY realistic necklace….so realistic, in fact, it leaves nothing to imagination let alone privacy but does leave behind potentially shocked, uncomfortable and maybe even slightly nauseated viewers in its wake? Uhhhh….no thanks.  Here’s a mere taste of Blessingway’s items; complete with the designer’s interesting descriptions:
The Lactivist: In support of publicly-nursing mamas everywhere, I created this highly-unsubtle charm depicting 2 breasts, full of milk. I added a tiny drop of the “booby juice”. Maybe you can even add a drop or two of your own Booby Juice to make it extra unmistakable! Nipples may arrive in pink or light brown.  **Now available with double drops of milk! Breasts are not simply sexual objects & they deserve to be seen in a respectful light. OH YEA. Cause drippin tits around your neck screams R-E-S-P-E-C-T. 

Crowning Glory Mama: This is a strong mama & not for the timid. She is crowning in a deep squat, known to be an optimal position for birth, utilizing both gravity and a wide open pelvis to bring her baby strongly into the world. She refuses to be drugged, cut open, or forced onto her back in a pose of subservience. She takes charge of her birth & she’s doing it HER WAY. She is as anatomically detailed as I could manage, complete with labia, nipples & clitoral hood. I will not make her less detailed. Implying you could make it MORE detailed? HOW?!?! Now with more HAIR?!?!

Cesarean Awareness Mama:  I designed this Mama while I was enraged about our shameful cesarean rate. As of today, the national rate of cesarean in the U.S. is hovering around 31%. Which means that about one out of every three babies is cut  and then ripped out of his or her mother’s womb. Cesarean is the most common surgical procedure performed on American women and is relatively  unnecessary. Maybe if more women knew how shameful this practice was they’d opt to choose natural birth and not to drug their baby just to make the glorious gift of birthing their child “easier” for them. Note the Apple Photo: “At least you have a healthy baby.” 

Now some of you may completely agree with Miss Blessingway, which is fine, but for those who know me personally may already have an idea as to what I said aloud upon reading the previous passage. Yup, you guessed it. Starts with an “F” ends with a “U” and has a big fat “uck yo” in the middle.


THE COMFORT WIPE
Oh yea…this is happening.
I honestly don’t know whats funnier about this contraption. The fact that it actually exists or the simple fact that the demographic this was probably created for can’t even use it in the first place. Odds are, if you’re not able to “reach around” and clean yourself, you probably don’t have the dexterity to consistently fold the paper and push it into the holder and wipe, let alone quickly stand up and push the button to release it only to have to sit back down and start the whole process all over again. I personally wonder why this is considered “sanitary” when you’re probably going to have to clean the damn thing whenever parts of the paper get missed, defeating the whole  “sanitary” process in the first place.
Just a tip: If reaching around really is just too much for you to handle, instead of proving to the world how lazy you really are by having this thing your bathroom, just stick with the archaic toilet paper and take a yoga class.

THINNY HAIR HOLDER
We all want pretty, thick, gorgeous BIG hair, not just Texas residents, and clearly we’ll do anything to get it. But its as if the creator of the Thinny Hair Holder decided to knock off the “Bump It” concept (which its bad in and of itself) and come up with squiggly hair holders made of ratty yellow pipe cleaners. My favorite part of this painfully awkward  yet “oh-so-professional” infomercial pitch are the first  7 seconds and last 12 seconds of the video…..Grade A editing on this one kids and thanks for the comic relief!
But what happens if you’re not Blonde yet decided to avoid the “Bump It” craze for a more “natural” look. Well look no further ladies! The Thinny Hair Holder Prom/Wedding style is here! And by the looks of theses before and after pics you’re going to need every second of the how-to video that’s included to master it.
Isnt that lovely? So natural…i cant even see the Thinny.
THE UROCLUB
“How many times has this happened? You’re playing 18 holes with your best buddies, drinking sport-“ades”, water, beer, etc. You’re coming up to the 3rd hole with no rest room in sight. What are you going to do? The UroClub™ is the discrete, sanitary way for your urgent relief. Created by a Board Certified Urologist, it looks like an ordinary golf club, but contains a reservoir built into the grip to relieve yourself. The UroClub™ is leak proof, easy to clean and no more embarrassing moments.”
Oh yea. Right. Cause a dude “hiding” the fact that he’s got his hands in his pants in the middle of a golf course is not conspicuous at ALL and less problematic than say, going behind some trees, considering you are outside in the first place. Honestly, what guy would even give a crap if someone saw him relieving himself on the golf course anyway, especially after all the BEER-“ades”, BEER, BEER, and BEER etc. he and his “Best Buddies” have consumed? Exactly. Zero.

THE BOYFRIEND ARM
Do I even need to comment on this one? I mean, it’s a pillow made into the shape of a man’s arm, complete with button down, buff muscles and large hand. I think the sadness of this product is conveyed just fine in the photo.
THE KUSH SUPPORT
No, this isnt the latest medi-maryjane clinic in California. This is SO MUCH BETTER. “After comprehensive research and testing, Kush was developed as an anatomically contoured accessory offering both health and beauty benefits. Made from a lightweight plastic with a slip-resistant outer coating, Kush is uniquely designed to fit between the breasts to maintain a more natural shape while resting on your side. No straps, no underwires, no constraints, no adhesives and no garments needed – the slip-resistant surface and contoured shape help keep Kush in place as a woman rolls from one side to the other during sleep, eliminating the need to hold herself in place through out the night.”
Can someone please explain to me why the “new mom” on the left has a face that looks late 20’s but her chest looks mid 60’s? Maybe she shouldve grabbed the Kush years ago…or possibly just stayed outta the sun. Just sayin. What about the lady on the right? Um…isn’t the whole point of this product to stay in place and hold your boobs so you don’t have to? Hmmm. Doesn’t look like that’s the case in this pic. As a woman whos “built” like the women they’re trying to target, I’m pretty sure a pair of tube socks would work just fine and save me $55…especially since , as is being advertised so brilliantly by the lady on the right, I’ll still have to hold them up throughout the night anyway.
THE HAWAII CHAIR
Again….I cant even begin to think of commentary that could convey its message better than just seeing this thing in action. With commentary like “Ohhhh my goooshhh this is AMAZING!” and “That feels greeeaaattt on my abs” (which sounds A LOT like “feels great on my ASS” no irony there)…Press play and let the dirty jokes begin!
And there you have it folks, the “As Seen on TV” items you simply cant go another day without and have no idea how you even got this far in life before their creation. Call and order now!
* perfizample *
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2 responses to Amazing Products You Didn’t Know You Needed

  1. colemonkee says:

    I really want to run into one of the Comfort Wipe actors and tell them that I recognize them from that spot. Just to see the look on their face. Which I assume would be "FML".

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